I've been struggling with where to begin. A few weeks ago when I was waking up every two hours to feed my baby, I'd put on an episode of Game Changer and listen to the familiar phrase of host Sam Reich: "...the only way to begin is by beginning."
I've been having a hard time knowing who I am lately, and now that I'm getting a human amount of sleep again I'd like to reconnect. Toward the end of my pregnancy I came upon an artist residency in motherhood which is described as "A self-directed, open-source artist residency to empower and inspire artists who are also mothers." and while I liked the idea, I wasn't an artist. Since giving birth I've felt immensely creative despite a rough start to my postpartum experience. I'm not sure if I'm an artist, but I feel as though I may be becoming one. And what's more, the little creature I gave birth to reminds me daily how important play is. Play is how we become human, in the most literal sense. Which brings me to videogames.
Turns out I've been a game dev for a while.
This year will mark a decade since I participated in the Game Start exhibit at Latitude53 where I was on a small programming team for a local two player game that focused on miscommunication and how it shapes the player experience. It was my first and so far only physical installation piece. Since then I've been a student in Pixelles game writing program and started posting games I've made on itch.io. Making games has been a form of creative expression of mine for a while now, and while it's certainly ebbed and flowed over time I'd say the tide is coming in.
Enough idioms, here's what I'm going to try.
What the title sounds like; I'm going to make a million mom games and perhaps play some of them too. I chose a million because it's impossible, that's the point. I need to kill the idea of completion in order to be able to make any material progress, an any% if you will.
I'm starting an artist residency in motherhood where I'll make games that are inspired by the big and small moments of my life right now and I'll also reflect on the games that I play with this residency in mind. My goal is to make more games, even if they're very bad, through this process of becoming...whatever it is I'm in the process of becoming. Some of these games will be videogames because that's a cozy medium for me that I look forward to and know how to share about, but a lot of them may also be pretty ephemeral and rooted in the physical world...I'll share a bit about those however I can. At the end of my first year of motherhood, I'll end this project and make space for something new.
Motherhood is a complex, often fraught topic riddled with societal expectation. It can exist in all kinds of ways, and honestly I'm not exactly comfortable with thinking of myself as someone's mom. Not all of what I make will touch on the theme directly (the first game I've started does not at all), and that's kind of the point. I'm not looking to glorify or redefine myself solely in terms of motherhood; I want to be curious enough to find myself again now that I am feeling the weight of it. And I want to make some things that might touch the lives of other humans while I do.